- Focus on what can be realistically accomplished
Try not to get caught up in how things are supposed to go. Let your expectations evolve as your family changes.
Let’s use the stuffing as an example. Everyone expects your mom to make her famous stuffing recipe which she has done for as long as you can remember. But now you notice that it is hard for her to go shopping for ingredients and then follow the recipe to make enough for everyone. Also, last year’s didn’t taste… quite right. You’re not sure you want her to make it this year truthfully.
Are you sure that she even still wants to make the stuffing? We have to let our traditions evolve, however that may look for each of us.
- Keep the lines of communication open
Keeping with the stuffing example, it makes sense to find out what mom really wants. Does she still want to make it herself the way she always has? Or maybe she never wants to prepare stuffing ever again in her whole life. There’s a reason they say what they say about assumptions! Ask her how involved she wants to be. If she wants to continue making her famous stuffing, perhaps ask her if she can teach you how to make the recipe and you can do it together.
Give your friends and family a heads-up about the new traditions so they can be on board too.
- Keep things simple
In my mind, it is better to do just a few things well rather than try to do all the things and stress myself out too much. My family benefits more from my presence than from anything else. If I am unhinged, everyone else feels that too. Think about what traditions can be simplified without losing their meaning.
Simplify meals, consider potlucks and don’t be afraid to outsource and order some or all the food. Be selective about what you choose to do with your family and their energy and interest levels. Do you really need to go to all of the craft fairs and cookie swaps? Don’t overcommit.
- Consider their safety and comfort
Most importantly, be sure they have any medications they may need as well as hearing aids and glasses. Look at the gathering spaces with the needs of your loved ones in mind. Where will they sit? Would they prefer a chair with arms? Will they be able to get to the bathroom easily enough?
Keep an eye on their comfort and energy levels and modify activities when you need to. Consider the volume of the music, climate control, time of day and offer them frequent rest breaks. Choosing things to do that are more easily accessible will turn out to be less stressful for everyone.
Consider if it would maybe even be too overwhelming or confusing for them to join. If they are not going to be able to enjoy it, perhaps find some ways to bring the holidays to them.
- Embrace new traditions
Make space to grieve that things aren’t the way they used to be. Change is hard so don’t discount that, but it is also be good. Allowing traditions to evolve and adapt over time will prove that change can be good. Be intentional about take time to reflect on what goes well- even if it is not how you expected it to be.
After all, it isn’t about what happens but how we react that matters, right?