“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,
— Maya Angelou
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
One of my first jobs after college was as an Activities Director at an assisted living in Boulder, Colorado. The Executive Director, Scott, objected to us using the word “facility” when talking about the community, so he had an “F Jar” on the desk in his office. Anyone who said the word “facility” had to put a dollar in the jar! At the end of the month, the money was used for a staff pizza party.
It had a very positive impact and was a valuable lesson about the importance of words and how they affect people.
Small Changes, Big Differences
Words matter in many contexts of course (I cringe if someone I don’t know well calls me “honey” or “sweetheart,” even if it’s said with the best of intentions), but awareness of their impact is especially important when working with older adults. There is a tendency to talk down to them as if they are children or dismiss their experiences entirely.
One common example when working with someone with incontinence challenges is use of the word “diapers” rather than Depends (or whatever brand). Of course, the two words have the same meaning, but one feels demeaning, less dignified — babies wear diapers.
Another is the word “toileting.” It’s a technical caregiving term that lacks empathy. A better approach is for caregivers to say, “Your mom in going to the bathroom and if she’s had any issues, I will be happy to help her get cleaned up.”
These are just two examples. There are many others.
Getting Buy-In
As we have written about many times before, helping our parents make the decision to leave their beloved home and move to an assisted living is often difficult. Here, the words we use can have a big impact on how open they are to a change.
My old boss, Scott, knew that the word “facility” conjures up thoughts of a medical building (or even a prison). It’s much more appropriate to talk about a “community” or “residence” — places where residents are living well and receiving support.
Better words can help older adults remain open to — and even excited about — what the move to an assisted living has to offer.
Careful word choices also apply when discussing the reasons for a move. While safety may be the primary driver, emphasizing their decline can create resistance and have the opposite effect. In our experience, families have much more success painting a positive picture: “Senior Living communities feel a lot like nice apartment buildings or hotels with meals included. Some are like gorgeous cruise ships that never leave the dock.”
Likewise, when talking about the eventual benefit of moving to a memory care, avoid phrases like “locked unit.” Who wants to live in a unit?! The word “neighborhood” feels far less alarming.
Better words go a long way in expressing empathy and breaking down resistance.
Change Takes Time
Altering the words we choose doesn’t happen immediately and we are all bound to make mistakes. (There was always money going into the F Jar, despite how hard we all tried to avoid the word!)
So don’t beat yourself up if you slip up now and then. Once you start noticing the words you choose and the impact they have, it is easy to improve.
Above all, we are trying to help the older adults in our lives maintain their dignity and be willing to accept the support they need so they may continue experiencing life to its fullest potential.
As Maya Angelou observed, “people will never forget how you made them feel.”